I have a lot on my mind lately and I wish I could sort it all out. I’m banking its the reason why I can’t sleep through a night, or why I feel so jumbled as of late. I sometimes feel like my page isn’t my own anymore, that I can’t express the things I really feel for fear of regret. Regret in the sense that you’ll all know my weaknesses and will know how to attack me, what words to defend against my own, what actions to proceed with. And that in itself is a terrifying notion.
But if I can ask a simple question, why do I make things so hard? I never learned just how to accept. I mean I had to change my major in college because I wanted to know why I had to accept that which was. It was annoying to say the least, and the more I grow the more why’s that appear in my life. So why do I do that, so many of you can take life for its simplicity and roll with it. Taking the turns as slowly as you need, racing when its appropriate, stopping when you need to breathe. But me I tackle each movement, I question each path before my way, never really appreciating or accepting what is. And I HATE it, I hate how dependent I’ve become on knowledge. How dependent I’ve become on knowing EVERYTHING. I just want to accept. And its my curious mind that tends to put me in this bind.
I have this thirst, this desire to find out everything, and its not healthy. I’m pretty sure its driving me mad, or at least close to the point of insanity. Insanity: an obsession. I have an obsession with knowing why. But I’m curious as to if I’m the only one and if so why?