Sometimes I feel like giving up, I give into the norms and find myself an outcast. And most days I really could care less and other days it hits me like a ton of bricks. I guess we all have those moments, moments of self doubt, where maybe we’re not the greatest we think we could be so instead of working towards our goal we give up in despair. I’ve been struggling a lot with that self doubt bullshit. I’m not sure why I’ve accomplished more than most could say, but I think whats really hitting me is the fact that I can’t share that with anyone. Nor do I really want to find someone to share all this with. I’m just kind of lost and I don’t quite know how to find myself. Or where even to look. I guess what I’m saying is, I need help.
I feel like I haven’t talked about much of anything lately. I think because I found myself lost. I got rid of facebook to learn that we all depend on one another for entertainment, for love, for respect. Granted I still kept my Twitter and this site, but I’m rarely on here anymore and Twitter doesn’t ever hear my secrets so I’m not really sure whats to come from this post.
I guess leaving the major media site I learned everyone is hiding. Hiding behind words they write, songs they reblog, photos they take. I’ve yet to find a person whose raw, open. And hell I’m not so why would I expect anyone else to be or find someone that is? I guess I’m stuck in this rut and I’m not too sure how to get out of it. The last time I felt like this I came here, and I wrote. Everyday or every so often I’d post my feelings in poem form or in story format. And I guess to work myself out of it again I need to start writing again. I need to be raw. So hey guys, I’m back.
theres an ache, a throbbing pain in the core of my throat
of words that spoke an undeniable truth, becoming silenced over time.
I came on this site because I had no one to talk to. So i figured I’d have a diary, I’d keep this place where my thoughts could haunt me if I ever decided to look into the past. And the truth is, I’m constantly looking backwards and never forwards. I’m constantly looking at what was and never at what could be.
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Have you ever just given up? Said fuck it all, none of this matters. None of this will matter anymore but then realized its the biggest deal in the whole world and to just give it up in a split second is stupid? I feel like thats the thought I’m battling with every second of my life, and honestly I’d rather just shut my brain off or become extremely busy that no one else exists but thats not how life works.
Those rare moments when words mean more than the definitions they’re given. They take form and become emotions. It’s even rarer when you find words when grouped together that describe the exact state you’re in. That can explain your very existence if not your entire purpose of being. I think when you’ve mastered that art, you’ve mastered the ability to be human, to feel and be felt by another. To be vulnerable, set aside from the cruel world we live and strive in.
Remember when I came on here to share my thoughts? My feelings i exposed to the world and I didn’t care who stumbled across them and then I turned into this person who just reblogs photos and words others created for my use. Remember when I could explain how I was doing? Lately I can’t even explain the emotions surging through my veins. I’m not sure if this is what growing up is, or this is the confusion and chaos before the storm. I wish I could explain the things I need to release but I haven’t a clue what to say, maybe one day, but not today.
There’s a verse in my mind unwilling to stay silent. The melody trickles and the harmonies begin to join in. But these lines and words, have lost their meaning day by day.
I wonder if I’m that person to you. You know the one you spend hours thinking about knowing you’ll never have.
I hate the game, the whole well you did this so now I have to act in this manner otherwise I’ll seem desperate and needy. Why in the world do we play these mind games? Oh well you took an hour to respond to me so let me take two hours. Lord you couldn’t just be busy, actually busy at work or with school, no you were supposedly ignoring the other person. And lets not forget about over thinking everything.
I just sincerely hate life sometimes, why can’t we just do what we want when we want with out passing judgements. God forbid you care, you’re clingy. Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away, but I don’t want to, and that is whats killing me. I know what I ‘should’ do but its not what I want to do.
For the past couple of days people have told me such kind words and the only thought I have is that I’m pretty lucky to have such a positive aura around me daily. To have friends that even though they’re busy getting their degrees and working, they think of me and say such kind words. I can only hope each and everyone of you have one person who does that for you. And if no one is or has, don’t feel funny being the one to spread the positivity around and letting others know what they mean to you.
Life, its filled with pain and suffering, happiness and smiles and some days become better than most, but thats the beauty of it. And sure, when pain and sadness meet up with joy and happiness the four dance in an ever binding circle around the other, waiting for the other couple to quit, but the truth is, we need the two to exist, to feel. So on your saddest days, on your most happiest days, remember you can’t feel the one- without the other. And thats the beauty of life, the ever binding circle of happiness and sadness. The realization that one cannot be if not for the other.
We all have a first, a past we crafted. Lessons we had to learn, memories worth creating. Like we will all have lasts, a life well lived. Wisdom we’ll pass down, stories we’re anxious to tell.
